※借用了过期还不到三百年的夏日祭题目;
※依据个人理解捏造了植成与德幸的感情线,以及相关年龄;
二十二岁的宇津木植成由于一落千丈的成绩被父亲罚跪的时候领会到了自己与弟弟宇津木德幸之间可悲的差距:从弟弟阴郁疏离的眼神中,他所见识到的是未被骑过的马的自由,从自己无路可逃的境地当中见到的只有屈辱和妥协。
「如果你不想好好做,那么就把继承权让给你的弟弟。」父亲说完,他险些赌气般地回答「十分乐意」。逃避责任远比荒废学业要可鄙。父亲没有打他是因为清楚这个年龄还总是挨打就会变得懦弱。很快他就要去制药公司实习,然后毕业接手制药公司。他必须坚毅。
(堅毅意味著徹底隔絕於美。而他總是能從弟弟陰鬱疏離的側臉中看到一種可能性:(或許)從生命伊始就注定與他無緣(他也未曾(被允許)渴望過)的美的可能性。)
他深陷泥沼,因为继承家业并非被强加的重负,他本身渴望着父亲的认可。(其实还有爱。)充满把握的继承者着迷于父辈的权威,疲惫焦虑的青年想要回到很容易就能够考到九十多分的童年。他没有从学习东西本身当中体验到过那种所谓寻求真理的快乐(他相信那只存在于神话),但他能够从学会东西以后获得的夸赞当中得到纯粹的快乐。那个时候被父亲注视的话他会很高兴,如今他只会感到恐惧。
植成想到了弟弟德幸,人如其名,生来就拥有着美德也交换不到的幸运:仅凭一个生日的巧合就让他得到了祖父的关注,不必继承家业让他得到了随心所欲地生活的特权。听说他刚出生的时候祖父托举着婴儿陷入了狂喜,高呼先人转生的降临。
当时植成三岁,他并不嫉妒弟弟,因为没有期待过弟弟诞生的父母不会将爱分给出一半,他们自始至终都只关照他一人。
而现在他倒是希望父亲能将关照(桎梏)分给弟弟。严苛的要求将畏惧刻上了他树皮般的灵魂。赶完期末报告和同学一起出去喝酒他都会担心被家里人偶遇。他这副忧心忡忡的样子被好友见到,好友取笑一番过后为了让他放松下来把他灌醉。他于是借着酒后吐真言的名义把这些都吐了出来。他的自尊心绝对不允许自己在清醒的时候这么做。感到无法理解的好友说了句与「何不食肉糜」同义的「为什么不拒绝」。于是一个激灵下他酒醒了:他们都将成为医者,而医者会说所有人平等地有着获救的权利。平等,那时他无比清楚地领悟到了何为不平等。
在罚跪反省的时候回忆着前不久与同学出去喝酒的事,这便是他仅有的叛逆。而在家族的宅子里德幸却能够自由到像个幽灵。偶尔植成会隐蔽着长久地注视着高挑瘦长有些驼背、刘海快要遮住眼睛的弟弟,直到嫉妒快要将他撕裂。胃口小的德幸吃饭只吃一点点就早早地离席却不会遭到父亲的指责,而植成稍微有点挑食就会被呵斥。他的身体(或者干脆说他的生命)从来都不属于他自己,属于这个家族。削骨还父,削肉还母,他做梦都想把这莫名其妙的债还回去。可他无法做到精神上的决裂,无法做到不爱这个家族。
这便是他与弟弟的差距。植成能够明显地感觉到德幸对这个家族感情淡漠到几近冷血无情。他想到祖父,虽然有些厌烦脑萎缩以后越来越神经质的祖父,但他为祖父感到不公平:在这一辈里祖父唯一疼爱过的就是弟弟,但祖父去世的时候弟弟没有一点悲伤,葬礼上一如既往地用拒绝式的眼光看着所有人,甚至借口回实验室早早地离开。他推测,那段时间德幸很可能是恋爱了:不然为什么想起来将头发剪短,为什么眼神里会现出启明星一般的光亮。
無可救藥的好奇心讓他有意無意地追蹤關於那個「初鳥創」的消息: 第一件事,弟弟是同性戀,這一點從他剛步入青春期就已經有所預兆,不過家人全都睜一只眼閉一隻眼; 第二件事,初鳥創不屬於這個世界:比起人類他更像一個被生成的(generated)符號; 第三件事,他不想再關注這種事了,弟弟曲意逢迎的姿態讓他難以忍受:有時覺得丟臉,有時則感到原來這就是為所欲為。
正因如此,弟弟是自由的:你永远无法让一个抓不住的幽灵陷入泥沼。
这从来都不公平。宇津木植成十六岁的时候就放弃了平等的神话。
平等是热衷于自欺欺人的幸运儿之间的游戏。植成想起实验室里有位头脑相当厉害却总爱划水的家伙,他神采奕奕地编出了条运气守恒定律:如果你今天遇到了坏事,比方说弄丢了钱,那么根据守恒定律,你将会遇到用来抵消它的好事,比方说今天的实验会出个漂亮的数据;当然也可能相反,实验做得太顺利的话记得要照顾好自己的钱包。大家都在笑,植成也在笑。(家庭的溫情屬於神話,運氣守恆也屬於神話。)
这种平等的交换可真够可笑,不是吗。
难道说用虚荣的底座就能够交换到未被骑过的马的自由吗。
他偷偷地瞟了一眼,发现父亲在门外抽烟,以背对着他的方向。一动不动直挺挺地跪着相当难受,但他不敢趁这机会坐在腿上放松一下。想到这就更加委屈,眼泪都快要淌出来。还好他擅长于把泪憋回去,不然被父亲发现在哭就会被打。
三十七岁的宇津木植成回想起这些的时候笑了起来,那个躁动不安的青年曾将一切都归咎于父亲。父亲在一年前去世,母亲则在三年前。他们悄无声息地死在了病床上,都由生命解体为了纯粹的物质。卖掉宇津木家的旧宅是在半年前。如今他在准备制药公司的收购事宜。
他并不为此感到愧疚。卖掉旧宅不久前植成去过祖父的书房,然后发现祖父在脑浆还没有变成浆糊时候的笔记,那里有制药公司末路的预言,以及让它起死回生的唯一途径。若是在十年前,植成一定毫不犹豫地把握住它,一来是为了向父亲证明自己的才能,而来是为了打败父亲:在您手中走向衰落的制药公司在我的手中起死回生。可如今他只想见证这位「病人」的死。
这并非由于他涣散到了只剩下怠惰与冷漠。而是由于他找到了属于他的真理。那就是爱。植成会兴趣使然地观察小炼杖重复着把拨浪鼓藏在被子底下又找出来的游戏,参考精神分析的书尝试揣测这游戏的暗示;会从周一就期待周末与妻儿到森林公园野餐的行程,找来户外用的大遮阳伞以备下雨时用。舍弃掉黏滑的虚荣以后,他感到自己在一点一点修补生命当中的缺口,偶尔想起过去无路可逃的幻觉的时候感到有些可笑,哪有那么悲惨,这不过是少年人出于自我怜悯的捏造。偶爾也會被來自過去的幽靈騷擾,不過很容易就可以趕走它們。他要構築屬於自己的真實了。
植成也不再记恨父亲:弟弟走上邪门歪道的事让他领会到教养的必要性。父亲在病床上气力被死神几乎悉数吸走消瘦到仿佛只剩下了一张皮的时候向他提起过弟弟:「你很像我,德幸很像父亲。你与我都是脚踏实地的人。」植成后来反复咀嚼着这句话,自己也是人如其名的人,向高处伸展的同时会眷恋着脚下的土地。他隐约感到自己尽管一再隐瞒,还是让父亲觉察到了弟弟的事。
未被骑过的马的自由。那是能够让疯狂的种子生根发芽的苗床。
他十分懊悔自己没有在一切尚未为时太晚的时候将弟弟拉回正道,当时弟弟向他借过器械和资金去援助一个叫アカツアの民的组织,声称作为副代表可以将那边的研究成果贡献给家族的制药公司,这是父亲赞成过的。植成一眼就看穿了弟弟前半句的谎言,但对后半句无可奈何,他知道父亲对那个从神知大学分流出去的研究小组抱有希望,尽管自己不以为然。
他断断续续地给德幸写过信,父亲临终的时候也写过,不过对回信没有抱有太大的期待。十几年来弟弟从来没回过自己的信,早几年的时候倒是偶尔会给妹妹写些内容无外乎客套话的回信。聪果偶尔会在电话里向他提及另一个音讯全无的哥哥。
四十九岁的时候宇津木植成去了趟奈湖野造访至高天研究所。作为来访者在前台登记的时候被一个胸牌上写着榎本のあ的女孩子误认为是德幸的爸爸。植成对这个名字有些稀薄的印象,似乎组织的第二负责人。只是没想到年龄会这么小。
这个女孩子把他带到应接室,让他稍作休息,自己去楼上把那家伙叫过来。
(額外的小劇場)
敲門。沒人理。 繼續敲:「我知道你在裡面。別裝死了,有個叫宇津木植成的人找你。」 「不認識。他找錯人了。」 勉強能聽清楚他在說什麼,不過這很顯然是撒謊:「不可能。你絕對認識他。人家找你有事。他又不是過來抓你的警察,躲什麼躲啊。」繼續敲門 終於開門:「我不想見到他。你吵死了。」然後立刻關門回到他那沒有燈也沒有窗戶的洞穴裡。 …… 只能找蛇淵陽幫忙了。即便沒有宇津木剋星的屬性,這個既好使喚又好調戲的新人のあ也是很喜歡的。 (小劇場結束)
植成看到與他們一同過來還有一個很年輕的男孩子:性格有些靦腆,覺察出這裡尷尬的氣氛就偷偷溜走了,留下他們三個面對越來越沉悶的空氣。植成在看著徳幸,徳幸在發呆。
「喂,宇津木,那位留小胡子的先生是你爸爸吗?」然後のあ打破沉默。
植成最初对这话有些困惑不解,直到看见比他想象中年轻得多的弟弟。与过去相似,德幸的眼神锐利而又冰冷,即便是眯起眼微笑的时候。除了虚与委蛇的笑容以外,岁月似乎没有在弟弟身上留下太多痕迹。植成忽然想起以前翻阅制药公司的存档时见识过蓝桐一项野心勃勃的计划:制取能让人长生不老,甚至是永生不死的药。后来那项计划因为对原材料的消耗过大被搁置了。
「难道说祖父让他吃下原石,是为了重启那个荒唐的计划?至高天研究所,祖父的笔记中也提到过至高天。……以宗教的名义进行非法研究,所以穿得像个宗教领袖吗。」
宇津木德幸进来顺手关掉了应接室的空调。
「和以前一样怕热。」
那个女孩子打趣他:「你居然把给它关掉了,我还以为你会一直装下去,装成个照顾别人感受到热死也不关暖气的好人。……话说你在这世上原来还有亲人啊。」植成留意到说最后一句话的时候她的眼神有些悲伤。
「也许吧。」
「你没在听我说话,宇津木。」
过后她很识趣地从房间离开,不再打搅他们久别重逢后的兄弟叙旧。宇津木植成猜想她是弟弟的恋人:如果不是足够亲密的关系,这么说话就太没教养了。而他很确信弟弟和他一样难以容忍没有教养的人。
既然是二把手,也许她年龄没有看上去那么小,只是和弟弟一样试验了不老药。植成这么安慰自己,实在不肯相信原本家教良好的弟弟会堕落到找个年龄能充当女儿的小女朋友的地步。他想到當年那個初鳥創十幾年前就已經死了:所以就另覓新歡?
「您是在找我吗?」
植成能够从弟弟明显敷衍的笑容中读出对不速之客的拒绝。
「我只是希望你能够回到正轨。虽然在这个时候说这种话已经为时太晚:作为哥哥,我本该代替父亲对你负起责任。……一直以来我和聪果都有给你写信,不知道你有没有收到。」
「谢谢您的好意,只是我不需要您对我负责。」 〔責任。…還好我對祂/他的愛不會墮落為責任。〕
「可你毕竟是宇津木家的一员。」
「如您所见,『徳幸』这个名字中『木』这个元素。所以如果您不想让宇津木家出现污点的话,直接把我的名字从族谱中抹掉就可以了。」
「也许这话会让你不高兴……」
两人陷入沉默。
「至少……那里对你有恩。你可以薄情但不该这么寡义。」
「你是说懂得感恩吗?那种东西对我来说从来都不是必要之物。」
宇津木植成向前一步握住了弟弟的手腕,没有顾及此举是否过于冒失。与自己温暖厚实的手掌不同,弟弟的手冰冰凉凉,和过去一样手腕很细又有着突出的腕骨。如果可以他真想把这手腕给捏断。他自然想象不到这只单薄且骨节分明的手能够立刻变成巨大的异形,把他的颈骨直接捏碎。
一瞬间的错愕过后德幸很快就恢复了冷静,眯起眼睛微笑地望着不速之客:他有足够的耐心。
弟弟虚与委蛇的笑再次令他明白,未被骑过的马的自由究竟从何而来。那些重要到溶入了血液且将永远保存于血管的教诲,于弟弟而言不过是穿肠而过什么都没有留下。
他在去应接室的路上见到过圣堂里的两座雕塑,左边的一座也许是这个宗教组织所信奉的神,右边的一座是他的弟弟宇津木德幸,穿着裹尸布一样的外袍。平等,这个时候他领会到了何为平等。宇津木德幸如今连人类都算不上,而他拥有了完整的人生。
他意识到已经无话可说,于是放开了手。
(不,謊言。徹頭徹尾的謊言。…想想你的年齡,你也已經來不及像這樣繼續對自己說謊了:本以為很久以前便離你而去的深淵又來到你的腳下。想想你真正渴望的東西是什麼。你真的完整而幸福嗎?……厭倦從未如此清晰。從磚塊與磚塊間的縫隙裡厭倦逐漸滲透出來。愛不是真理,那道缺口的邊緣才是真理。你還不知道嗎。你怎麼可能不知道。)
「如果您愿意加入我们,作为至高天研究所的负责人,我非常欢迎。」
弟弟道别的话语险些将他激怒。
榎本のあ把他送到门口,他出于好奇问了她那个问题。
她十万分嫌弃地皱起了眉头:「怎么可能。我怎麼可能看上那個死基佬啊。」然后慌忙补上一句:「对不起,我忘记了您是他的哥哥。」
還是基佬…所以…他的情人是剛才那個名字很奇怪的孩子嗎。
五十八岁的宇津木植成在报纸上读到至高天研究所事故的消息的时候,将那篇报导读了一遍又一遍。写的是下落不明,但他知道弟弟死在了那里。或许是那身宗教领袖的衣服让他联系起裹尸布,或许是那时弟弟泛着死人相的憔悴脸色,或许只是血亲间微妙的共鸣。
「这么说他是一回就烧干净了。」
妻子问他怎么了。
「走上邪门歪道的弟弟死了。」
「榎本のあ……如果没记错的话,就是当时那个女孩子吧。……太可惜了。」
而他终于可以心平气和地回顾往事。
因为死亡切断了一条线。
父亲的死让过往变得缱绻,本就绵软无力的憎恨与恐惧先是萎缩然后消失不见。
每个人都会死,这便是他唯一能够把握的平等。弟弟的死为他实现了迟来的和解。不可能有尚未为时太晚的和解,因为那等同于不战而败。研究所的瓦解让他终于可以体面地承认自己对弟弟所做成事业的嫉妒。他想到小时候,他们都只是临渊羡鱼,一个想要不被关照的自由,另一个则寻求着能够被人需要。他们都傲慢地固着于内在的缺口,因为那道溃烂又神圣的缺口是他们船上的缆绳。所以谁也没有一脚踩空的自由。他们终于是平等的。
他回想到高中曾趁着学校办无关紧要的活动的时候溜了出去,在城市里漫无边际地游荡。他早就计划好了这次出游。可中途他像上了发条的表一样不停地看表,担心错过回去的电车。说是游荡却既没有游也没有荡,他只是跟着秒针在走,疲惫不堪也不愿停下:这是难得的出游,他必须珍惜。
(而這厭倦便是有死者的真理。承認它,然後埋回土裡。)
所以从来都不会有完整的欢乐。
万物皆会从生命的涡流里滑落,然后平等地回归到永恒与虚无的海。
于是他假装负疚:「如果那个时候邀他一起,或许一切都会变得不同……。」
END
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