找終於找到那種不快感的來源：真誠的美德所對應的不允許藏有秘密的禁令。它是那麼顯而易見卻一再被我忽略。隱私不是天賦人權而是我們從「被我們稱為『家長』的(父系)社會中」(暴力)奪取到的自由意志。〔所謂自由便是當你內心的真實想法並非如你所願的時候你可以去修改它。〕
我遇到過一個絕美的白晝，那是2009年秋天的一個週日下午。當時我便預感到這是我終其一生所能體驗到的最美的白晝了。
我(深知自己)沒有說出並爭取實現這個願望的能力：翹掉那個莫名其妙被報了名的興趣班，為了一個無法留下有形報償的轉瞬即逝之物。（即便為幸福的閃電所擊中的那個秋天我寫過：「快樂無法持存：這是要求，而不(止)是現象」，那個時候的遺憾也是真實的：因為遺憾本身就是快樂的綿延啊。）
結束以後(出於偶然)也去了公園。語言總是令人遺憾：日落不是白晝燃燒後的餘燼，它自身能夠蘊涵迥異於白晝(甚至已經超越白晝本身)的絕美隱喻：關於絕對的有去無回，關於純粹的悔恨，關於絕望的必然性。2021年我寫：「昨天想到它的時候感受到了一種隱喻。過去我還從未想過自己會有靈感滿溢的體驗。所有人都告訴我這種事情怎麼也輪不到我。」
通常意義下永恆輪迴的遺憾在於悔恨變得不再純粹。智力遊戲永遠無法達到這種情緒的強度。〔當時我所想的應該是數學的封閉/完成(complete)：關於 Zorn’s lemma (我選擇了一個我們比較熟悉、其本身也比較直觀的表示)。……「這一切全都曾經發生過」…〕
……
我不想再穿鑿附會地拼湊了。讓陌生的事物變得自然遠遠不夠：驚異與絕望很重要，應該將數學推到一個令人痛苦的難度。（不要將世界謎一樣的令人不安的特徵一筆勾銷啊。[1]）
我實在太幸福了。secret de folie 密かなる野蠻
無論如何幸福的閃電擊中了我。
在極美的虛像消逝中體驗快樂的頂峯。破壞的快樂也包括被破壞。就是你發現你哪也去不了：我們做了這麼多，我已經已經兩本筆記，之後會有更多（直到我的死亡）。（我們不必對機器的報廢表示懷疑。）
你以爲你有了偉大的發現：你將一切化歸到事物原本的樣子（蘭波：如果事物具有形狀，那就為它賦予形狀；如果事物不具有形狀，那就不要為它賦予形狀），不再進行穿鑿附會的解釋，直接去把握無限。然後你發會現你*真的*回到了原點：你哪也去不了。
記錄一個體驗（找不到問題的解），亦即我的wiki的提綱：給你一個問題，它很難，你找不到解。你把式子變來變去。寫了很多張草稿紙，卻發現怎麼都行不通。
中途你以爲你看到了光明：你將它的形式由複雜化到簡單（如果就此停下該有多幸福。可是你沒有就此停下。）
你繼續下去發現你所得到的是問題本身。（仔細檢查便可以發現它是怎樣繞回去的。）
嗯。你做了很多，目前的成果是：你記錄下了怎樣做是行不通的。
嗯，會有惡俗的心靈雞湯說，不要在意結果要在意過程。
它真的很惡俗不是吗嗎。它就這麼把你糊弄過去消除你的沮喪。消滅你情緒的強度：你鬆了口氣，這個問題暫時擱置吧。那種惡俗的安撫。（權力意志所說的也就是我們的情緒。）
我拒絕提建議，因爲它會讓我變得惡俗。
那個問題，你在問什麼，你問的是什麼，那些符號是什麼意思，你把題目抄三十遍對著它發呆。
嗯，你可以將它化到另外一種形式，一種看上去更簡單的情形，比如更強的條件或更弱的結論，然後你仔細觀察它的內部結構發現它是平凡的，很普通的可逆。
重複，你發現你會做的事非常有限。
從某個視角看上去前進了一步。如果你運氣不錯（這更像一個錯誤），關聯建立起來的那一刻，之前所有的沮喪與痛苦都變得失去了意義。你會發現它是個再自然不過的結論：如果你連你自己寫的東西都看不懂，那麼這東西不是*你*寫的：你只不過是在模仿他人說話。
嗯，這就是我們正在做的事。快樂來自於征服（他人）。
別害羞。關於*我*在哪裡：是心還是腦。
你找著找著會發現什麼東西都沒有了，打撈上來的只有面具。（我們的理性能看到外面的世界，也能夠聽到內心的聲音，卻把握不到自己的皮膚。）
嗯，面具就是你(想要)的本質。你要找的東西就是這些面具，你認爲你在進行偵探遊戲：你似乎透過繁雜的現象發現了什麼本質。
你要找的就是你一路扔掉的東西。（當然你可以把它撿回來當作紀念品。關於世界謎一般的和令人不安的特徵。）
你很怕被發現你搞錯了。（或許你已經發現）
我要描述的：發現自己做了僞證的體驗。
來路不明的幸災樂禍：這遠高於*我*的精神。
週四 21/10/2021 22:11
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