À l’entrée
Bonjour Monsieur, vous avez votre réservation ? Non ? Il faut réserver par Internet ou appeler avant. Vous comprenez ? Vous avez appelé et ça n’a pas marché ? réessayer pendant les horaires de fermeture sinon on est trop occupé à accueillir les gens. Bon pour cette fois ci, ça passe, mais la prochaine fois, faut réserver, vous comprenez ? Votre prénom, nom, email, numéro de téléphone ? Comment ? Vous pouvez donner du faux. Vous pouvez nous mentir. Nous ne sommes pas assermentés, mais on doit remplir des tableaux, vérifier les chiffres, noter tout en cas de problème, vous comprenez ? On a des comptes à rendre, vous comprenez ?
À la caisse
Vous habitez quelle commune ? Si vous habitez ici, il y a une réduction. Il faut un bonnet de bain, une pièce de un euro ou un jeton de caddie, les casiers des vestiaires sont fermés, il faudra utiliser les casiers autour des bassins, vous comprenez ? Notre site Internet ne marche pas ? Le numéro de téléphone sur pagesjaunes.fr n’est pas le bon ? Il faut vous adresser au siège de la communauté de communes. Ici on accueille les clients, on ne gère pas la communication et l’informatique, on a beaucoup de travail, vous comprenez ; ce n’est pas dans nos missions.
Vous n’avez pas de bonnet de bains ? C’est obligatoire, c’est le règlement, vous comprenez ? On en vend pour deux euros. Oui, c’est le logo de la communauté de communes. Vous avez cinq couleurs : bleu, vert, jaune, orange, rose. Vous voulez lequel ? C’est pour distinguer les piscines du coin, vous comprenez, on appelle ça le marketing territorial.
Dans le couloir
Il faut prendre une douche avant d’accéder à l’espace des bassins. Il faut retirer vos chaussures avant d’accéder aux vestiaires. Il faut garder votre masque jusqu’à la douche. C’est pour l’hygiène et la sécurité, vous comprenez ?
Dans le vestiaire, après la baignade
Monsieur, ne passez pas la barrière, respectez les chicanes. Là c’est pas grave, je vous laisse faire, mais la prochaine fois faites attention. Comment ça… ça ne change rien ?! Oui, il n’y a personne ici, que vous et moi, mais vous comprenez, il faut respecter les règles. Non les douches ne sont plus accessibles, on ferme bientôt vous comprenez. On veut éviter la concentration des gens dans un espace clos, vous comprenez ?
À la maison, au téléphone
Vous avez une requête pour la piscine communale ? Il faut contacter le service équipement. Ils sont ouverts les lundis et les jeudis. Vous allez vous plaindre sur Internet ? Des avis négatifs sur les pages jaunes, Google, et Facebook… mais nous, monsieur, on ne fait que suivre les règles, vous comprenez ? Quoi les bonnets de bains ? C’est une décision du conseil communal, demandez à votre maire.
Codicille : On ne vous demande même pas de comprendre, on vous demande de faire semblant, on vous demande de consentir. « Une information, c’est un mot d’ordre. » Gilles Deuleuze.
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