解构主义的三日循环 心理想的故事其实是掩盖一个人的过去,以便献祭他,更好地活着。
「收拾好行李和大学毕业证书,准备好离开这该死的地方。 正当凌晨阳光慢慢地渗入小镇,被熏黑的煤油路灯闪个不停,佐藤先生双臂拿着包袱的影子在卵石路拖的很长。当他进入火车站时,太阳照在了大地上。 终于他要离开这自己的老家的了,他仍然记得当兵的哥哥穿着军装踏上运兵火车的矫健身影,不知道十几年后的他想起今天窘迫逃离家乡的一早是什么感想呢? …… 自从参加工作后,男子好像出现了精神不好的现象,他有时候说自己的名字结结巴巴地,家里父母的情况也要想半天才能回答上来。尽管他结婚了,也有了孩子,但是他失忆和疲惫的情况没有好转。 一天他走路,莫名其妙地来到了一座寺庙,门吱吱作响,他抑制着害怕打开了门,迎接他的是一个巫女,说道:“先生,您的面相不太好,似乎是有妖怪附身了。”他从梦中惊醒,很好旁边传来的是妻子的打鼾时,但是这梦境如此的真实,让他不得不去寻找一番。」
咖啡店括燥的爵士乐疯狂地钻进我的耳朵,连可尔斯必都失去了昔日的滋味,在对面,川瀬不耐烦地蹂躏着我的原稿,空气中隐约的烟草味加剧了我的焦虑。最后接近文章的尾声,他放下手稿,用余光瞄了我一眼,紧接着拿出火柴习惯性地欲唤出烟火,不过梅雨时节阻止了它,我们更加尴尬了。
「怎、怎么样?我的作品……」我的眼睛在桌子和他之间摇摆,努力地组织言语,生怕破坏了什么东西。
「这算什么东西?」他立刻打断我的询问,粗鲁地对待我的手稿。
「这!……这可是我最新写的连载小说,年轻男人背走他乡被妖怪缠身苦苦不得已,然后梦中寺庙奇遇变成现实、诡异的巫女和离奇的记忆…..」第二次把语言复述时,我其实尴尬地面红耳赤,但是维持住了自己的气场,虽然但是,我到后面就不知道想写什么了……
「哦,又是你的自娱自乐之作啊。」川濑终于点燃了香烟,吐出一个个眼圈,慢条斯理地打断了我的辩解。
「这……」我的表面上惊呆了,但是内心却是舒了一口气。
「难道不是吗?」他把我玩弄于掌心,「一部好的作品如果提出问题必然有好的回答,并且回答要比问题更加有趣。你的作品只顾作者自己的幻想中心,而不顾读者的感受,这不就是你 untalented 的表现吗?」
「恩条棱梯是什么意思?…….另外你对我的作品理解太肤浅了。」我一股脑喝掉可尔斯必 ,重重地端下杯子,在这类似法官正义锤一锤定音的声音中,我义正辞严地宣告:「我是作者,我有叙述故事的权力,而每一个读者阅读的感受都是不同的,正所谓一千个读者里有一千个哈姆雷特。但是我也是努力地塑造疑问让读者读下去,可以说,这就是我作为作者的特权。」
「啊,那好,那么拥有至高无上权力的作者先生,你真的分不清幻想和实在呢」川濑起了和我争论的兴趣,微妙地看了过来,「如果按照已有的走向,那个男人被妖怪附身,接下来就该去驱魔了吧,如果你是这样写的,这种读者可以猜到的结局有什么意思呢?」
「这个……我还没有写完呢,故事也可能往完全不同的方向发展……」兀然,我没来得及觉得自己不能自圆其说了,语句横冲直撞地在我的脑海里游荡,我只想抓住那关键词应付他,逻辑不一致的我已经输了,「也许我可以用绝妙的文笔和精彩的铺垫……」
不对!我意识到自己说错了话,正想修正之前的说辞时,对面的川濑抓住机会,嘲弄般地接过我的话: 「其实评价一部文学作品没有绝对的标准,但如果它连自己提出的问题都不能好好回答,完完全全体现了作者想象力的匮乏。」
「当、当然不是,我作为文人,还是有属于自己的 pride 的,在创作中不可避免地对作品有一定的自豪感」为了掩饰自己的卑微,我继续争辩到:「比如我使用了第三人称自由转述体和透明的心理叙述,这是一般的上帝视角的第三人称小说没有的!」
「啊,确实如此。」友人一反常态假惺惺地肯定我无力的辩解,「说起来,毫无才华和知识的你,也只能在自己孜孜不倦创作的垃圾小说中找到优越感了吧。」
「拉、垃圾小说?这种说法也太过分了吧」我眼睛怒视他,求求他赶快收回刻薄的评价,其实心理已经快要哭起来了。「但是啊,川濑我终于了解到你是一个多么无趣的人类。不过我给你看什么作品你都说无聊垃圾,问你说什么都说无趣。写无聊小说也好,最难搞的就是你。…..好吧,我会重写的。」
对面的友人仿佛胜利了一番,「真令人期待,下一次要写多一点,如果能够打动我的话,我甚至会摸摸你的头。」
「真是奇怪的话呢」我终于平复下来,「喵哈哈、喵哈哈哈」 我憋出几声强笑。
友人试图燃气洋火,却染上了湿气,我暗自窃喜,「梅雨天真是难以生活的时节,就和你住的梅钵堂一样奇怪」。雨滴拍打窗外,似乎催人回去,「那,我先回帝大了。作家先生,明天早上不要逃之夭夭哦。」说罢,他头也不会地离开了,隐没在咖啡馆外的绵绵细雨中。
作家……
坐立难安的我喝完可尔思必,抓起雨伞,也随后冲进了那梅雨中,跳上了通往神保町的市营电车。午后的天空阴沉不已,好冰冷的雨,到底要下到什么时候呢?当我下车时,古书店的独特气味扑鼻而来,这是独属古籍的奇特气味。店指梅钵堂,古书街众多小店之一。
「店主,我回来了。」我是一个月之前来的,没错,我又落榜了,一开始是医学部后来我把目光转向文学部,本以为我们三个人大不了都成为浪人生,但没想到只有我一个人落榜。现在我是一边以复读之名写志怪小说的业余作家。
「好。」
我赶忙迈上二楼,欢畅地给金鱼上饲料。几乎又是飞跑到柜台前,抽出一叠原稿纸和黑色水笔,扑到在地板上,续写我之前的手稿。在聚精会神的创作中,不知道怎么地,手稿乱在一地,我写完最后一个假名时,手上不知道怎么沾上了墨液,准备收拾凌乱在周围的手稿时余光瞥见了,正好对上了水上的目光。
「啊,你来了」我自然地看着面前的友人,手里接过我的手稿。
「对了,你不是拜托川濑评论吗?今天怎么样了?
「啊!?那、那个啊……被评得一无是处。」
「一无是处?川濑的评论让你怎么紧张吗?他到底不喜欢哪里?」他惊呆了片刻,「在我看来,你的文章太有意思了。」
水上认为我是不会有差劲的文章或者作品的,所以都一直称赞我……
「每天川濑也会来梅钵堂,把想法告诉川濑吧。如果是你口中的称赞,会让他刮目相看吧」
「我明天还有课,恐怕没有时间过来。」
「不行!你得过来好好谈谈小说的感受,那家伙根本不懂我。」
「哈…哈哈…….我说了,明天上午真的没有空。」水上笑着,没有丝毫改变的样子。「那家伙说我分不清幻想和现实,还说我的作品是自我消遣和手淫……」
「分不清幻想和现实啊。」水上自言自语说到,「呵,你确实是这样的。」
「这……这不对吧。」什么?!
水上接着打开了手中的书册,随手抽出一张长条纸片,我迅猛地接住了。
「夫人送来的招待券,」上面写着「东洋剧场,《彼得•金》」,「明天晚上一起去吧?」
「嗯。」我条件反射式地点了点头,实际上我不知道想不想去。
说实话,我对西洋文学和电影真的没有什么兴趣,尽管我和水上经常往返于东洋剧场的新电影之间。不得不说,我感觉洋人的动作颇为滑稽,我一看见那默片里面夸张的镜头就像笑出声来,如果有人在现实生活中这样手舞足蹈的话,会被大家笑话吧。还有他们吃东西也好奇怪,牛排居然是三分熟,那和吃生肉有什么区别?尽管如此,我明晚不得不赴约。
「啊!说起来,上次带给你的小说看完了吗?怎么样,是很有意思的作品吧?」
哪部作品?我竭尽脑汁回忆着,却苦苦想不起来,上次水上带来的什么卡尔马克思兄弟据说是俄国文学,但是里面的人名实在是太难记了,为什么不能翻译成日本名字呢?另外水上坏的很,总是塞些外国文学给我读,我干脆就敷衍过去:
「有意思,可能吧。」我仿佛是川濑的化身。「我觉得主人公活在自己的叙事里面,分不清幻想和现实。」
「主人公?俄狄浦斯吗?」我的胡言乱语居然撞上了文本,他仔细的研究起来,「忒拜的国王拉伊俄斯受到神的诅咒,“会被自己的儿子杀死”,为了避免死亡,把自己的儿子托付给了牧羊人,后来他成为了科任托斯国的继承人。俄狄浦斯长大后,因戴尔菲神殿的神谕说他会弑父娶母,便离开科任托斯国不再回来,却在巧合中杀死了自己的亲生父亲,拉伊俄斯。」
「……诶?」我成为了最惊讶的人。
「如果我们从第三者的视角看,俄狄浦斯和拉伊俄斯以为自己能够逃脱诅咒,但是恰恰逃避让诅咒本身灵验了,他们其实是被自己的叙事困住了…..」水上一边在书架空隙踱步一边分析着。
「俄狄浦斯想要掩埋自己的旧身份,开始新的生活,而诅咒对他来说却是一种正义,一种打破幻想,还原到真实世界的正义。精神分析学家佛洛伊德也提出过俄狄浦斯情结,而心理学里面的精神分析也是让病人说出自己的妄想,从而让心理医生进行治疗……」
「嗯…」 我尴尬地回应,完全不知道他在讲什么,抢在他开口之前,我说,「诶,你下午是不是还有课,再不走就来不及了吧?」
「啊,是。」水上从思维中回到了现实,「如果有时间,还是用功读书吧,也是为了你乡下的奶奶。」
「这…这两者没有任何关系!」我的口头禅。
水上消失在了梅雨中。正好店主回来了,他真的是个大好人,一个月来,不过我从来没有见过他的容颜。「店主,算起来,我们从来没有见过对方的面孔呢。」
「是吗?」店主躲在屏风里面,「确实是这样。」
「我能见见你的脸吗?」我提出这个奇怪但又不奇怪的要求。
「这个恐怕很难办到。我也是为你好。不如我们就保持这样的关系吧。」
「……」
梅钵堂又陷入了死寂。
说罢,我继续上楼,准备写我的小说。
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