4
一排排文件密密麻麻地陈列在铁书架上,任几根细痩的手指轻巧翻过封面左上方的编号,黑眼睛的视线在黑色墨水填写的标签上流动,在一些标签上停留片刻,将文件夹抽出。泛着旧纸特有霉味的档案室里,杨威利一手抱着成摞的文件,一手在书架上检索着资料。他的全部注意力都在眼前的文件上,并没有注意到一个身影正在朝他走近。
“我找了你好久。”略显低沉的声音把杨威利吓了一跳,转身看清来者后,他舒了一口气,转而用轻松的口吻说:“不是在研究室就是在档案室——我以为你已经知道我的生命轨迹了。”
“博士生真辛苦呀,终于是毕业前的最后一篇了。”先寇布朝杨做了个鬼脸,顺手接住杨塞进自己怀中的厚厚一摞资料,后者露出轻松的笑,说:“终于要毕业了,再也不会因为读文献忘记时间忘记去剧院了。”
意识到杨在说什么后,先寇布故作懊恼状,“是啊,那可是普希金。”杨威利做出一个抱歉的表情,将手按在自己的左胸口,说:“我真诚地向亚历山大·普希金致歉。”
“普希金原不原谅你是他的事,总之这回可不能再让我伤心了。”先寇布从胸前的西装口袋中掏出两张戏票在杨威利眼前晃了晃,做出一副委屈的表情,两只蓝眼睛闪得像一只即将获准出门的黑背。杨见状,伸手用两个手掌捧起他的脸颊,说:“放心吧,这次不会再错过了,把这些资料放进研究室我就走。”说罢,便迈着轻快的脚步走向档案室的门口。
两人顺着腓特烈大街一路往北,穿过施普雷河时,杨威利的毛毡帽被一阵寒风吹落,幸好先寇布眼疾手快,在帽子飘过桥栏杆上空时一把抓住,重新戴在杨的头上,杨仰起脸朝他笑,略显凌乱的刘海在黑眼睛前晃荡。先寇布用戴着手套的手替他将头发梳理整齐,说:“可不能太潦草,这是要去看马雅可夫斯基呢。”
然而再穿过一条马路后,先寇布对杨的头发所作的努力还是失败了。杨顶着一头被风吹得蓬乱的头发在先寇布身旁坐下,“人民的诗人会理解我这样的人民的”,他用带点戏谑的语气说道。先寇布向他投去宽容的眼神,不再对他的发型发表评论。
剧院里的人比预想的多,先寇布坐在临近舞台的前排,聚精会神地看着台上的表演,舞台的灯光在他的蓝灰色眼睛上流转、闪烁,把他拽进这别样的扭曲人生。身旁的杨威利似乎安静得过了头——当他发现这一点时,杨威利已经在座椅中熟睡好一会儿了。先寇布露出无奈的苦笑,脱下自己的西装外套,不动声色地披在杨倾斜的身体上。戏剧情节进入最激烈的部分,而杨只是自顾自地靠在先寇布的右肩上安静地睡着,宇宙中发生的一切跟这一刻的宁静比起来,竟显得如此微不足道。
杨威利还是为自己在剧院里睡着向先寇布道了歉——像之前发生过的无数次类似事件一样,先寇布还是原谅了他。他们向西南边走去,最终在街边的一栋公寓楼前停下。上个月,杨威利因为房屋租约到期,和先寇布在市区连看了三天的房,搬进了这套位于保罗大街的70平米两室公寓。以杨威利素来俭朴的风格,原本一室就已经能够满足他的所有需求,而他依然瞄了一眼正蹲在厨房仔细检查水电管道的先寇布,怀着一些难以言说的期待签下了这间小小公寓。他们像往常一样对彼此说再会,先寇布分别吻过杨的两侧脸颊,杨的手指在他后背的衬衣布料里小心翼翼地弯曲,他的唇角若有似无地擦过他的下颚。一天又结束了,杨威利关上房间门时心想,好在他和先寇布还有无数个明天,这是一件令他感到欣慰的事。
第二天,杨威利又坐回到档案局办公室的椅子上,这一回,他等待的是一份自己并不太期待的答案。 因为在柏林墙修筑之前就搬到了西边的住处,杨并不需要在联邦德国的难民登记处注册。然而,据他所知,他的一些同事和朋友却没有那么幸运。他们需要先接受一个月的难民身份确认,被认定对联邦政府安全后,才能逐渐回到工作岗位上。然而,这并不意味着他们就一定能重获平静的生活,西柏林并没有想象中那么安全,任何一个在街上与你擦身而过的普通行人都可能是斯塔西的特勤人员——如果不幸上了他们的名单,无论你是在西柏林、波恩,还是约翰内斯堡,他们会一追到底,直到让你彻底从人间消失。
还在东边时,杨见识过那些人。虽然他们从来没有找过自己,但他能从那些闪烁不安的眼神、突如其来的沉默,和突然出差的同事——有的人能回来,有的人杨再也没有见过他们——之间隐约感受到一种不安。渐渐地,杨威利感到自己身边也开始出现一些异常——寄给他的信件总是晚到一步;他提交的申请与报告通过的越来越少,需要经过的流程却越来越多;还有,当他提到自己不是党员时,开始引来越来越多的不解与困惑的目光,直到有一天,他开始需要向自己的系主任解释自己为什么没有入党。
那一天他出离气愤。回到自己家中,他对着先寇布喋喋不休地讲了一个小时。先寇布坐在沙发的另一侧,一边吸烟,一边低头沉默,直到听到杨说要放弃历史研究,才猛地抬起头来。 “好不容易才通过的博士毕业论文,现在放弃,之前的努力不全都白费了?”先寇布显得比杨还要激动,他盯着杨的眼睛,眼睑下堆积了一层层的黑眼圈。
“我知道……老实说,不做研究我都不知道自己还能做什么……”杨威利带着绝望的苦笑挠了挠凌乱的头发,“可是,在这里,不使用唯物主义的史观根本没有办法在学术界立足,而我不能认同唯物主义史观,这是一种过于简单粗糙的方法论。无论如何,要是留在HUB,我的学术生涯就算是完了。”
有那么一刻,杨威利以为自己在流泪,但事实上,他的脸颊和眼角始终是干燥的。自从告别坚持留在长春的父亲只身前往柏林之后,他便没有流过泪。他想起1948年后就杳无音信的父亲,月台上的他失落而期待的目光……那些发生在东方的遥远故事彷佛一块巨石压在他的胸口,堵住了悲痛的翻涌,只留下无从化解的沉重。每个人都有自己的地狱,杨威利想,这就是我的地狱。
先寇布只看着他——和得知他的过往时一样——一言不发,只用一双灰蓝色的眼睛看着他,如火焰般炽热,又如寒潭般深邃。似乎做了一个重大的决定,他试探着问道:“那如果……不留在HUB呢?”
“东德的大学都大同小异,或许HUB已经算情况比较好的了。”
“我是说……去另一边的大学。”此刻先寇布的神情像一只狡猾的狐狸。
杨威利咬住下嘴唇,低头沉思着。过了一会儿,他说:“我不是没有想过这件事,但我从来到德国就一直在东边,西边确实没有认识的人和渠道。”
“我认识几个FUB的教授,他应该能帮上忙——只要你愿意的话。”
“如果可以的话,就拜托你了。”杨威利轻轻点了点头。“谢谢你,你总是对我那么好。”
“别这么说。”他挪动身体,一只手臂勾上杨的肩膀,“你是我见过的最正直的人,你应该得到一个更好的人生。”
杨威利将头靠上先寇布的肩膀,柔软的黑色卷发蹭着先寇布的脖颈。“我现在拥有的就是最好的人生。”
先寇布沉默了,他的嘴角微微颤抖,再一次开口时,声音显得有些沙哑。“杨,能听到你这么说,是我的荣幸。”他显得有些迟疑,“但是,我不值得你这样。”
“你总是这样说。”杨伸手抚上他的脸颊,“是因为你并不知道我有多么依赖你。”
先寇布将脸埋进杨的手掌,过了好一会儿,才开口说道:“杨,相信我,我会永远保护你。”
杨威利的嘴角带着欣慰的笑容,无声地点了点头。
杨带上皱纹的黑眼睛眨了眨,翻过脑海中的这一页记忆。他看向窗外的那棵菩提树,距离上次来这里时,光秃秃的树干上已经长出了一些新的枝桠。春天要到了。杨在心里这么想着。
“教授。”尤里安·敏兹再次出现在办公室门口,手里捏着一个牛皮纸封面的文件袋。他走近杨,将文件袋递到他的手中。
杨威利抽出牛皮纸袋中的文件,开始阅读起来。尤里安渐渐注意到,杨威利的眉头凑得越来越近,两片嘴唇抿得越来越紧,然后,他将手中的文件放下,说:“这份档案有问题。”
“什么?”尤里安拿起文件,盯着表格上的姓名,不解地问:“我不明白,有什么问题?”
“档案里我的履历是不对的——或者说,是被修改过的。”
“可是,这份档案上并没有什么真正对您不利的信息……”
“这就是关键。”杨威利用手指向文件上的内容,“这里面提到的每一件事都是真实的,但每一件事都只记录了一部分的真相——一些无伤大雅的小过失,对当局无害的言论。尤里安,如果我都已经被斯塔西建档了,他们一定会把我的底细翻个底朝天,那他们就一定会知道,在1949年前,我都在和哪些人交往。”
杨威利想起了他的那些亲人朋友,或侥幸,或不幸,因不同的命运而走向不同的人生。再后来,他和幸存下来的朋友们都有了一个共同点——害怕节庆。因为节庆是为了团圆和欢聚,对于他们这样邦族凋零、师友离散的人来说,节庆是一场温馨的的凌迟。
“您的意思是,有人改动过您的档案,或者……”机敏的尤里安想到了另一种更合理的解释,“建立档案的人知道你的全部情况,却有意识地删掉了对你不利的情况,斯塔西里还有这样的好人——”正说着,尤里安突然合上了嘴——他注意到面前的杨威利已经面色苍白。一些不安的心绪涌上心头,他忽然想起杨曾经对自己说过,先寇布是在文化部工作。忽然,一个幽暗的念头笼罩了尤里安,他抬头望向杨威利,后者悲凉的眼神确认了他的猜想——他们都知道,文化部不只是文化部。
漫长的沉默令尤里安有些局促,他试图说点什么缓和气氛,却不知如何开口。最终,还是杨发出的一声冷笑打破了沉默。他带着虚弱的语气说:“我……不是没有怀疑过他,毕竟这一切都发生得太美好太恰到好处。然而他的眼神实在是太真诚,而当时的我太年轻……”太孤独。杨没有把这一句话说出口。
“教授,别太难过了,来这里的很多人都发现自己的至亲、挚友同时也在为斯塔西工作。”那是一个人人自危的时代。“往好里想,他至少是在帮你——”尤里安似乎又想到了什么,“或许他后来受到处分也和这个有关?”
“或许吧。”杨的语气努力打起精神来回应尤里安,“我能再看看那份处分文件吗?”
尤里安点点头,从地柜中的第二个抽屉里抽出一份文件,在将它递给杨之前,尤里安又瞥了一眼文件上的信息,在主管部门负责人一栏,他突然看到一个名字。
“卡斯帕·林兹……好像在哪里见过……”尤里安努力地在记忆仓库里搜索这个名字,终于,他想了起来。
“这个人和我的父亲认识。”
尤里安喜爱、崇拜自己的父亲。从父母亲私下的对话和与父亲来往的那些大人口中,他隐约知道自己的父亲似乎在做一些很了不起的事情,在他的眼中,父亲是匡扶正义的英雄。因此,当父亲在家中的书房里办公室,他总是带着自己的玩具车跑到父亲的书桌旁,希望以这样的方式分享父亲的英雄瞬间。
他记得那是一个和“医院”“保险”有关的新闻报道,父亲打了很多电话,又外出了好几回。有一天傍晚,他神情激动地回到家,对母亲说,自己联系上了一个有权力介入这件事的人,明天他就要去餐厅和他会面,父亲在晚饭时,仍兴奋地提了好几次“卡斯帕·林兹”这个名字。尤里安熟悉、热爱,永远怀念父亲的那个笑容——那是每一个新闻事件即将得到解决前,属于父亲独有的胜利的笑容。两年后,父亲正是带着这样的笑容和自己告别,然后一去不返。
关于父亲的记忆已经远去了。葬礼后,母亲将父亲的东西搬进了阁楼,几乎再没向尤里安主动提起过父亲。少年的尤里安十分痛苦,眼前的一切令他不解和疲倦,却又隐约地感觉到一种生存的渴望——低下头,活下去,咬紧牙关,和母亲一起,把日子过下去。他和母亲继续若无其事参与社会活动和国家建设,直到柏林墙被推倒的那个晚上,他拉着她的手站在勃兰登堡门前,看来自两个世界的同一个民族再一次不分彼此的欢呼、拥抱。回到家中,母亲爬进阁楼,将嵌着他们一家三人合影的木相框放回到自己的床头柜上。
父亲的遗物一度被警察以调查非正常死亡原因的理由翻了个遍,最终他们拿走了其中一些笔记本作为证据,绝大部分现在仍留在母亲家的阁楼里。一通翻找后,尤里安在父亲的一个联络人名片盒里翻出了卡斯帕·林兹的名片。
虽然有电话,联系上林兹仍让尤里安·敏兹颇费了一番工夫,名片上留下的电话已经换了人,在翻过大半本黄页,转接了好几个电话,直到尤里安拨通一个位于波恩的电话号码,终于,一个上了年纪的男声出现在听筒那头。听说是来自柏林的电话,林兹的声音听起来显得有些冷漠,直到尤里安讲明来意,对方的语气才放松了些。
“敏兹……我记得这个人。你父亲还好吗?”当听到尤里安的答案后,电话那头陷入了一阵沉默。“太可惜了,你父亲是一个正直的人。”
两人不约而同地沉默了好一阵,林兹才再次开口。
“噢对,先寇布……我没有想到真的会有人来找他——虽然我的内心不时这么期待着。”林兹的语气中带着悲凉,“你也是一个善良的人,能为一个陌生人的请求尽心到这个地步。不过,你算是找对了人,我想我应该是这个世界上最后一个知道他故事的人了。”
会面约在三天后的下午三点,尤里安与杨约好乘当年早上的火车出发前往波恩。杨威利回到家,和菲列特利加吃晚饭,散步,在楼下便利店买好第二天早餐的食材,晚上十点三十分,准时躺在床铺上。
他想起了一片树林。
那是一个周四下午,1961年7月27日,他和先寇布像往常一样坐在市郊的湖边,身旁的野餐布上一如既往地放着腌黄瓜,三明治,红茶和书。盛夏的阳光透过树荫斑驳地落在他们的肩头,杨低头盯着手中的书,任由先寇布一直盯着不远处的湖出神——这是他为数不多的放松时刻。忽然,先寇布扭头对杨说:“把衣服脱了。”
“什么?”此刻的杨一头雾水。
“去游泳。”先寇布用严肃的眼神往湖的方向示意。
这下杨威利终于明白他的意思——树林也未必安全,只有一丝不挂的湖中心才有可能远离监听——他紧随先寇布走到湖边,褪下身上的每一件衣物,往湖心游去。在湖心,先寇布告诉了他一个令他欣喜的消息——柏林自由大学接受了他的简历,决定聘用他为教学助理。
突如其来的好消息让杨威利一时间竟忘了踩水,幸亏先寇布一把拽住他的胳膊,他才没有被湖水呛到。快乐像水花一样扑腾了好一会儿,杨威利才想起另一个重要的问题,他捏住先寇布的两只手臂,带着期待和恐惧,小心翼翼地看向自己面前的问题。
“那你……”知道自己没有立场,杨威利没有继续说下去。东西方的裂痕越来越大,共存的希望越来越渺茫。他是东德文化部的官员,这是一份令人艳羡的工作,有先寇布家族的声望在,他在这里是安全的。不,他不能这么要求。他不能对他说,遇到你之前,我已经放弃对所谓幸福的期望。你是这个世界上我唯一在意的人,跟我走吧,我们一起去西边,在这块小小的自由的孤岛上过保守戒备的边缘族裔的二人世界。杨威利对自己说,不能那么自私,虽然他非常希望自己能那么自私。
然而,令他意外的是,先寇布的眼神并没有犹豫。他弯曲手肘,将两人的距离拉近,直到他们胸膛之间的湖水被排开,各自的心脏透过皮肤撞击着对方的胸口。
“如果你愿意,我就和你一起去西边。” 先寇布的声音温柔地环绕着杨的耳膜,他隔着刘海吻了他的额头,“你愿意相信我吗?”
杨威利抬起头来,眼睛上浮动的光如水波荡漾,他用力地点头。“我愿意,当然愿意!我们一起去西边,过我们的生活。”
“我会永远保护你。”
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