第三部 霁月
十四
是干涸的血，是折断的剑，是白骨撑天的荒原，世界在旋转、倒置，彷佛一个黑洞，他向空无一物的深渊中跌去，身体被拉伸、扭曲、碾压，然后撕裂，成为飘散在真空之中的碎片。他的周围，是同样破碎的火光、泪光，以及刀刃的寒光，他注视着这支离破碎的一切，在冰冷的宇宙中徒劳地发出椎心刺骨的叫喊。
“银时，不要！——”
彷佛一道强电流经过，桂小太郎的身体在被褥里剧烈颤抖着，细细密密的汗珠透过他的后背，渗入身下的被单之中。他从床铺上坐起来，用手抹了一把额头，长长吐出一口气。又做梦了。他有些疲惫地想，自从那件事后，他总是反反复复地做同一个梦。那无法逃避的过往、令人悲痛欲绝的场景，和他在白天极力压抑的情绪，总是在夜晚缠住他，将他溺入过去的深潭之中，令他动弹不得。似乎是想甩掉那些积压在他肩头的沉重，他抖了抖肩膀，从榻榻米上爬起来，走到一旁的矮桌前，提起茶壶，向茶杯中倒上半碗冷茶一饮而尽。
冰凉的液体滑过食道进入肠胃，一些意识回到了他体内。桌上怀表的时针指向数字三，离出发还有两个小时，桂在心里暗想。他想起那些在桥洞中、树林里躲避追兵的日子，虽然如今的自己仍是政府的通缉犯，但至少他还有一席足以御寒的床铺，还有一处住所得以容身，还有一群即使排除万难也坚持和自己同在的同志——他的革命之路上仅存的同路人。
同路人……
他又想起了刚才的梦，和那个在梦里呼唤过无数次的名字。最后一次与他分别时，他们谁都没有勇气抬头看对方的表情，也没有回头留恋彼此的背影。他感到自己是如此懦弱，如此不情愿面对摊在面前的命运。他一直在找他，从都城到江户，始终一无所获。他想过他可能已经被秘密处决，可是，在没有看到他的尸骨前，他绝不相信他真的会死。也许他只是在躲他，因为那些已经无法回头的不堪的过去，那个让他们之间的情谊一笔勾销的瞬间。然而，即使如此，他仍然无法避免地思念他。他假装玩世不恭的语气，散漫而随意的步伐，永远蓬乱的银色卷发，他的胸膛、手臂、指尖、眉头、嘴唇……那些在他的记忆中无比真切的触感提醒着他，他依然无法恨他，依然无时无刻不期待能再见到他一面。似乎是为了阻断自己的思绪，桂猛烈地摇了摇头。戌威星大使馆的爆炸行动就在今天，现在不是回忆的时候。无论多么思念过去，时间仍会毫不留情地拽着人往前走。为了老师，为了未来，现在还不是停下来的时候。
“潇洒地活到最后一刻……真是好不容易啊。”
桂坐在床上喃喃自语，窗外，无穷无尽的漆黑和空洞射入他的眼眸，使他感到一种挥之不去又难以消化的焦灼与疼痛。
直升机降落在河边的草坪上。桂从机舱中下来，走进停靠在河边的一艘屋形船。
侍者拉开纸门后便行礼退下，留下桂站在门口，望着斜靠窗棂坐着的高杉晋助。他朝窗外吐出一口烟圈，扭过头来看着他。
“我说过多少遍了，吸烟有害健康。”桂踩上榻榻米，走到放着一壶新沏的茶的矮桌前坐下。听到桂的抱怨，高杉只是嗤笑了一声，说：“我可是费了大力气才把你给救出来，你就这样问候我吗？”
“我可是费了大力气才把情报带来，你也就这样问候我呢。”桂面无表情地说道，“要不是为了这个，你也不会特地派直升机来接我吧。”
高杉晋助看向桂小太郎，轻笑道：“你还是那么聪明。那就来看看你的情报值不值得我大费周章吧。”后者听罢，朝他露出自信的神情，说：“等你看到我带来的东西，你会后悔只派了一架直升机来接我的。”
桂带来了几座大使馆的建筑平面图，和两名幕府高官的日常行程——这是高杉目前最需要的。他的鬼兵队正在秣马厉兵等待着重新活动的时机，而一直潜伏在都城附近暗中活动的桂正拥有高杉最想要的那最后一截引线。“放心，我的情报网是最可靠的。”桂毫不谦虚地说，高杉知道，至少在地球这个范围内，他说的是事实，而眼前的这个人，也是这个世界上可以完全得到他信任的最后一人，换句话说——在战争结束之后，他们就只拥有彼此了。
这并不是一件温馨的事。在那件事之后，他们遣散了军队，放弃了一切——自己和彼此，在黑暗和虚空中挣扎，舔舐流血的伤口。然而，没等他们回过神来，幕府的清算就开始了。他一个人潜伏了一段时间，中过幕府的圈套又逃脱。他颇费了一番工夫才找到桂，那是在鬼兵队重组后不久，在京都的桥下。时间并没有在桂身上留下太多痕迹，他还是那样机敏而顽强，还保有那双望向青云之上的褐色眼睛。而桂第一眼却差点没能认出他来，直到看到他左眼的伤口，才最终相信他就是高杉晋助。这不怪桂，战争结束后，关于他的一切都面目全非了。
当他再度接近桂时，他像曾经一样自然而然地接受了自己。桂既没有疑惑，也没有抵抗，像接受一封迟到多年的信一样接受了他的吻和触碰。他的嘴唇、肌肤、长发让他产生了一些时光倒流的错觉，回到战争之前，回到高杉晋助还能感到自己在活着的时候。桂小太郎是旧时光留给他的唯一遗物，是他与这人间唯一的联结。
谈完革命的部分，桂的神色放松了一些，他端起漆盘上新沏的茶，轻轻抿了一口，香气传到他的鼻腔，是玉露茶，桂心想。他盯着茶杯中自己的倒影，试探着说：“说起来，我还有一个称不上情报的情报……”
高杉仍然坐在窗棂上没有动，只是右眼眼皮抬高了半厘米。桂顿了顿，说了下去，“刚才……在池田屋……我见到银时了。”
“银时？”高杉握住烟枪的指关节开始发白，嘴角不自觉地紧闭着，“他没死？”
“没有。”桂摇摇头。
“他是哪一边的？”
桂又摇了摇头，说：“哪一边都不是，他似乎是被我的人牵扯进来的。”他跪坐在矮桌前，提起茶壶向茶碗里又倒了小半碗端到嘴边，说：“我尝试邀请他加入我们，他拒绝了。他说自己已经隐退了——在歌舞伎町开了一家小店，带着两个孩子。”
“成家了？”高杉皱紧了眉头。
“不是，一个十六岁的男孩，一个十四岁的天人女孩，类似于学徒吧。”桂将茶碗放回桌上，带着一丝怀念自顾自地说：“看样子他也过了好一段苦日子，现在才稍微有了点起色。虽然他说他对我们的事已经没了兴趣，但其实我感觉他还是老样子，还是很想保护——”
桂的话还没有说完，高杉的左脚猛地往地上一跺，从窗户上站起来，携着怒气向桂直冲而来，他的脸停在离他不到五厘米的地方，差点撞上他的鼻尖，眼睛里的烈焰熊熊燃烧着。
“保护？他保护了谁？！最该保护的人，最重要的人，最不能失去的人……他什么也没有保护，什么也没有做到！”高杉将手中的烟枪往矮桌上猛地一拍，烟枪立刻断成两截，一半滚落到桌下，而带着烟头的另一半朝桂飞来，尚在燃烧的滚烫的烟草划过他的右脸颊，立马留下了一道烫伤的痕迹。
一时间，两个人就这么面对面地坐着，谁都没有再说话，惟有窗外的河水静静地淌着，冰凉的液体灌进两人内心的空洞之中。
过了一会儿，桂站起来，一言不发地向门的方向走去。
“你去哪儿？”高杉仍然背对着他，将眼神藏在刘海的阴影中。桂的右手扶着门框，轻轻叹了一口气，说：“我去找急救箱。”
“别去。”高杉的声音低沉而沙哑，“我让人送来。”桂听罢，只好退回房间里坐下来。
又过了一会儿，急救箱送来了。桂刚打开急救箱的盖子，高杉却拦住了他，说：“我来。”
“你什么时候学会了这个？”面对桂的疑问，高杉没有回答，只是指了指自己的左眼，用手将他的长发捋到耳后，再用棉签把碘伏涂在他的伤口，他的手指带着冰凉的药膏在自己的脸细细点着，然后将一块中号创口贴贴在桂的脸上。他的左手抚上他的脸，因三味线和武士刀而长茧的指尖在他的皮肤上摩挲，仅剩的一只眼睛看向他的瞳孔深处。桂知道他想说什么，但他终究是没有说出口，而桂也有话没有说出口——这种程度的伤害，他原本是能轻易躲过的，但他却没有选择躲避。他和高杉虽然性格不同，但在内心深处，也许都燃烧着相同的烈火。桂这样想着，伸手覆上了高杉的手背。他怀念这样的触感——如今，只有在这样稍纵即逝的时刻，他才能感到从前那个熟悉的高杉晋助。
“那么，你要去找他吗？”高杉没来由的问题拉紧了桂心中的那根弦，孤狼一般的绿眼睛凝视着他。桂眉头低垂，苦笑了一声，说：“他现在过的就是他盼望已久的生活。”
“一些家庭角色扮演游戏吗？”高杉听罢，从鼻腔里轻轻哼了一声。他的拇指仍在抚摸桂的侧脸，似笑非笑地向桂建议：“呐，假发，今晚留下来吧。”他将脸凑近桂，吸了吸留在他侧颈上的长发，“要是被你的部下发现你从我这里挂了彩回去，他们恐怕要举着加农炮来袭击鬼兵队呢。”
“别说这么危险的话。”桂将半张脸埋进高杉整个手掌里，一股雪松和烟草的气味窜进他的鼻腔，后者的另一只手揽上他的腰，说：“开个玩笑。现在可不是内讧的时候，幕府正追着我们到处跑呢。而且……”高杉的嘴角微微上翘了一些，“前几天，老家送来了新鲜的荞麦面。”
“真狡猾。”桂躺倒在榻榻米上，对跨坐在自己身上的高杉似笑非笑地说道。
“你也不笨，欺诈师。”
高杉密集的吻阻止了桂的新一轮演讲。
太阳升起来，阳光透过窗户稀稀落落地洒在桂小太郎裹着的被褥上。受到了阳光的刺激，他慢慢睁开眼睛，从床铺上坐起来，继而意识到——自己还在鬼兵队的船上。
高杉已经不在房间里，不远处的矮桌上放着一组包好的食盒——是高杉昨天提到要让他带回去的，老家的荞麦面。
桂站起来，拾起散落在房间角落的自己的衣物，走到镜子前，撕下脸上的创口贴。昨天的水泡已经褪去，看不出任何烫伤的痕迹，但里衣覆盖下，他的手臂、后背、锁骨、胯骨上，却多出了一些新的淤伤。桂不得不承认，自那以后，高杉有了一些微妙的变化——以前的他，不会那么执着地要在自己的身上留下痕迹，也不会发出那样疯狂的声音。桂用手抚上自己的脖子——昨天，在两个人最迷乱的时刻，高杉也是这样，将双手慢慢抚上桂的喉咙，然后缓缓缩紧了他的气管，直到他因为短暂的窒息呛出了声，他才放开手，将整个身体压在桂的身上，脸深深埋进他乌黑的长发里，在他的耳边释放着粗犷的喘息。一些冰凉的液体流过桂的耳廓，渗进他的头发里。
桂抚摸着自己尚在规律跳动的颈动脉，心想，昨天的高杉的本意，可能是希望自己能对他做相同的事吧。他能感到，从那一天起，他就一心想做这样的事。
桂将衣裤一件件穿好，却发现有一只袜子怎么也找不到。一定是昨天不知道被踢到哪里去了。桂心想，借高杉一双袜子，他应该不会介意吧。于是，他拉开了他衣柜的抽屉。
拉开抽屉那一刻，桂的心仿佛被一把利剑直穿而过。他眉头紧蹙，沉默地看着眼前一整个抽屉的安眠药，然后，轻轻地关上了抽屉。
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